Pyschotic Moogle
by MasaZ
Summary: Sexual inadequacy, large fluffy creatures, and gardening with Jenova....I'll be surprised if anyone makes sense out of this ^^;;


Cloud stared out the window of his bedroom, sighing deeply. "Face it Tifa, you just don't find me attractive..." he turned to face her, the expression on his face one of almost unbearable pain.   
  
"No, it's not that....Just that you're slightly....under-endowed..." Tifa searched desperately for the right words, but couldn't find them. She also tried desperately to keep a straight face, but that too was a failed attempt.  
  
There was a knock at the bedroom door. "Yeah, what?" Spat Cloud, leaning back against the window sill, thinking that things couldn't possibly get anymore face-searingly embrassing.  
  
Aeris entered. Cloud became acquainted with yet another level of face-searing embarrasment and mentally kicked himself.  
  
"What's with you two?" Asked Aeris, looking between the two suspiciously.  
  
"Oh, nothing.." Replied Tifa, trying, and failing, to give away nothing  
  
"You mean.." Aeris raised a knowing eyebrow  
  
"Yes, I mean..." Tifa finished.  
  
The two nodded in agreement. Cloud spun around, unable to take anymore of the constant slating of him. "Aeris!" He demanded.  
  
"Uh?" Aeris realised that this couldn't possibly be a good thing, and considered making a run for the door.  
  
"Does this" He started, unzipping his trousers "Do anything for you???"   
  
Aeris stared blankly."No.", Then, slightly put-off, "I think I'll go have breakfast...Then again, maybe not.." She groaned, still staring down at Cloud. "Well, see ya Tifa....umm...good luck with chipolata boy...." She left the room, wishing that she'd just not bothered interfering. Damn caring nature.  
  
"HEY!" Cloud hollered down the hallway, "I resent that!"  
  
"Look, Cloud, maybe you should see a surgeon or something. Sephiroth never had any problems like this.Not that I...That is to say... Oops." Stuttered Tifa.  
  
"You what?" Said Cloud, his voice barely a whisper.  
  
"I think I have to be somewhere...that, uh, isn't here.....yeah...Bye!" Tifa ran over to the window, threw herself out and shimmied down the drainpipe. Cloud shrugged and wandered downstairs, to be met with roars of raucous laughter.  
  
"Heee-ey, flying low Romeo!" Remarked Cid, not even bothering to attempt to conceal his mirth.  
  
Cloud quickly zipped his fly up and sat down at the table. "Toast anyone?" He offered cheerfully.  
  
"Oh, no thank you.." Replied Aeris tactfully.  
  
"Holy Materia! I've gone blind! Help!" Shrieked Yuffie, not renowned for her subtlety.  
  
Cloud kicked out at the table and walked through the door, sulking.  
  
"Yo, Cloud!" Shouted Barret,  
  
Cloud turned around. "What is it?"  
  
"I think they have a materia for your type of problem!" He replied, laughing heartily at his own joke.  
  
"Ah fuck you!" Snarled Cloud.  
  
"Wouldn't mind if you had the equipment!!" He retorted.  
  
Cloud curled his lip and strode out of his villa towards the sea. When he arrived on the beach he glanced around, hoping to catch sight of Tifa and was completely mortified to see her sat next to another man, who happened to be taller, more attractive, and no doubt 'better' than himself. He marched right over to her.  
  
"Tifa!" He barked.  
  
Tifa looked up, prising her hands away from the man's well-oiled body.  
  
"What the hell are you doing? I thought you....we......well?!" he demanded.  
  
"Putting his sun-lotion on for him, what else would I be doing?" She answered, with all the innocence of little Bambi, making puppy dog eyes at Cloud.  
  
The man lowered his mirrored shades. "Is there a problem?" he asked, somewhat coldly.  
  
"Oh no, I was just about to tell my....friend...about your plans for world domination, Mr. Peshrioth....was that your name?"  
  
"Oh." The man lowered his shades again and returned to whatever the hell it was he was thinking about.  
  
Cloud ran a well trained eye over his body. There was something familiar about it, there was no mistaking that fact. Long hair, strange penchant for black clothes, which he had noticed draped over the man's sunbed. He could've been a dead ringer for Sephiroth, except for his hair colour. Blonde.  
  
"Well, I think I might go for a swim." Sighed Peshrioth, stretching out and hauling himself into the sea, taking a few deep breaths beofre diving under. As he emerged, a dark yellow pool formed around him.  
  
"Oh my God, he's incontinent!" Gasped Tifa, feeling suddenly faint.  
  
Cloud shook his head, feeling a stab of disappointment as he realised the man wasn't, like himself, suffering from some affliction or other." Like heck. That's hair dye!"   
  
The man's head rose to the surface, and Cloud was amazed to see it was after all Sephiroth.   
  
Sephiroth looked around him. "Mother said I would grow out of this problem.." He muttered, running his hand through his hair absentmindedly, freezing when he brought his hand in front of his face and noticed that it was, in fact, yellow. He pulled a strand of hair in front of his face. Silver. Sephiroth reeled back in horror, but quickly recovered when Cloud drew his Ultima Weapon.   
  
Sephiroth laughed and drew the Masamune from nowhere, swishing it about his head, taking care to avoid his carefully styled hair.  
  
Tifa groaned, "If only your sword was as long as that..."  
  
"It is...Nearly...I could always buy a new one." Whined Cloud, examining Ultima Weapon  
  
Tifa slapped her head. "I didn't mean that sword Cloud..."  
  
Cloud stared at her blankly as Sephiroth launched into what seemed to be a well-rehearsed speech.  
  
"Finally I have come back to power, after all these..." He paused briefly to check the calendar on his watch. "After all these....Two months!? Yes. I will take over this pitiful World with my new materia!" Sephiroth reached in to his pocket and pulled out a glowing materia orb."Observe, it appears to be just like a normal, every day materia."  
  
"Except it's electric blue." Observed Cloud, pleased with his discovery.  
  
"It's a prototype, now work with me!" Sephiroth cleared his throat. "As I was saying, this appears to be a normal everyday materia-"  
  
"It's electric blue!" Whined Cloud.  
  
"Don't push it. Now, it's appears to be a normal, everyday materia..." He stopped, noticing Cloud's mouth open. "Except that it's electric blue." He corrected himself hurriedly, before Cloud could get a word in. "Oh, look, forget it...either way, this is my new summon. Behold the power of the Psychotic Moogle!" Roared Sephiroth, gazing into the sky. After an awkward silence, which was temporarily broken as Cloud ran his hand over Ultima Weapon, asking himself why Tifa thought it was too small, a tiny Moogle fell from the sky and landed in front of Sephiroth.  
  
Cloud sniggered. "Ri-ight, you sure are loosing it, aren't you Seph?"  
  
Sephiroth ignored him and stared expectantly at the small creature. After several minutes, Sephiroth delved his hand into his pocket, producing a small plastic container with writing on the back. He read it out loud.  
  
"Psychotic Moogle Summon: Beta version. When Moogle appears, just add water for amazing results!" Sephiroth shrugged. "Show what you get for 200Gil...Ah, here goes." He scooped the moogle up in his hands and lobbed it into the ocean. Nothing happened. "The animal rights activists are gonna have me for that." Sephiroth cursed, turning on his heel and walking off the beach and out of town.  
  
"Uh, shall we go home?" Suggested Cloud, glad that someone else was the focus of the humiliation usually reserved for himself for once  
  
Tifa nodded and they walked back to the house.  
  
Three days later...  
  
Cloud flicked the TV over to the news.  
  
"...five hundred dead, The cause is unknown, but several people reported as having seen a large, moogle like creature, most possibly a moogle, rampaging the cities. If you have seen this creature, or have any idea where it may be, please call this number.."  
  
Cloud raised an eyebrow. Rampaging moogles. He picked up the PHS.  
  
"Hi, uh, Cid, this is Cloud, you couldn't fly me to the Northern Crater, could you?"  
  
"Can't you take your Chocobo dammit? I'm trying to watch TV!"  
  
"Ah, my Chocobo..No can do." Cloud explained with a hint of regret in his voice.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Strictly for decorative purposes only, I'm afraid."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"It's dead. It got killed in that unfortunate accident with Barret's newly laid rat poison sometime last year." Cloud recalled, wondering why he'd actually bothered to have the bird stuffed in the first place, not to mention why he'd given it pride of place in his bedroom.  
  
"Ah, alright I'll take ya...It'll cost ya though.." Cid agreed reluctantly.  
  
"I'll give you two Gil..."  
  
"Sold! I'll be in the Highwind waiting!" Grinned Cid, "but....why can't you just come downstairs and ask me?"  
  
"Can't be bothered." Cloud stretched back on his bed, sighing.  
  
Cid hung up, and, downstairs, Cloud could hear the front door slam. He hauled himself to his feet and switched the TV off. As he arrived at the Highwind, Cid started the engines up and the huge airship shot off in the direction of the Crater. Two hours later, they finally arrived.  
  
"Ummm, you want me to pick you up?" Asked Cid, unaware just what Cloud was intending to do, and what state he'd be in when he returned.  
  
"Yeah, in about three hours or so, OK?"   
  
Cid thought about it, and nodded, knowing that Cloud wouldn't get into too much trouble, and, if he did, well......people who are clinically dead can't complain when you forget to pick them up.  
  
Cloud scrambled down the sides of the large pit, finally stopping when he saw a disproportionately large hut at the very bottom. He sped up and fell gracefully to the bottom of the pit, hitting his head on several large rocks, rendering him unconscious and bleeding heavily for the best part of an hour.   
  
When he came to, he was sat in front of the hut which seemed to be inhabited by someone or, knowing his luck, something. He stood up and knocked on the door. After a few seconds, he could hear footsteps approaching the door.  
  
"If it's the double glazing salesman, tell him we're out mother."  
  
"Gurgle gurgle burble."  
  
"NO! We're not having double glazing. I can't afford it!"  
  
"Gurglegurgleblurble!!"  
  
"Oh just answer the door!"  
  
Jenova opened the door for Cloud, who, after a second, simply stood there, staring in absolute horror.  
  
"Uhhhh....Is Se-Sephiroth in...Please?" He stammered after remembering exactly why he came.  
  
The huge monster nodded. "Gurrrggggggllllleeee!" It screeched.  
  
Sephiroth rose to his feet and walked to the door. "Oh. It's you. What a nice surprise."  
  
"Sephiroth..I was just wondering..Have you ever....you know...considered stopping the destruction that your horrifically large rampaging moogle's causing?" Asked Cloud casually.  
  
"No. Why on earth would I want to that? I don't think I'll summon any more though...the upkeep costs are through the roof. And mother's allergic " He motioned towards Jenova, who was in the middle of a somewhat terrifying sneezing fit.  
  
"I guess you won't be needing that materia then.." Cloud smiled, trying to keep his mind off the large, towering monster inhabiting the hut.  
  
"Oh no, I'm keeping that."  
  
"Wanna bet?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Cloud jumped on top of Sephiroth and tried to wrestle him to the ground, but to no avail. Sephiroth just stood and watched as Jenova lifted Cloud off the ground and dropped him several feet away from Sephiroth.  
  
"Gurgleburble!"  
  
"Noo! I'll stop fighting. Please can I have an hour mother?" Pleaded Sephiroth.  
  
"......Burble." Jenova rolled her eyes, or at least attempted to, and squelched back into the hut.  
  
"Thank you mummy!" Sephiroth smiled and slammed the door, leaving himself and Cloud stood outside.  
  
"Cloud?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"I'l make a deal with you. If you can beat me in several competitions, I'll give you the materia. If you can't, I'll just have to keep you round the house as a cleaner. Fair deal?"  
  
Cloud shook Sephiroth's hand. "Ok then."  
  
"Right. First up...The staring competition!" Sephiroth snapped his fingers and a table appeared out of nowhere. Another snap and two chairs settled to the ground. Cloud blinked.  
  
"Now. Sit down."   
  
Cloud pulled a chair back and slumped into it. Sephiroth did the same.   
  
"Ok, close your eyes..one...Two...Three! Open your eyes!" Yelled Sephiroth.  
  
Cloud opened his eyes and stared intently at Sephiroth. Sephiroth stared back. For several long, drawn out minutes, the competition went nowhere, and the excitement level could be fairly compared to that of watching paint dry.   
  
"What is the point in this?" asked Cloud, eyes still fixed on the man in front of him.  
  
"You tell me....you're the one who came running after me, after all.." intoned Sephiroth, clearly bored of the childish game.  
  
"Fair enough....but.....you.....what the heck is that?" Cloud's eyes drifted away from Sephiroth, focusing on the impossibly huge, menacing moogle o' doom now standing several feet behind Sephiroth.  
  
"HA! I win! I knew I'd win! I.....knew..." Sephiroth noticed Cloud was paying him absolutely no attention and slowly turned round. "Oh dear." He flinched, and turned fully to face the runaway moogle.  
  
The two men stood for maybe half a minute, both absolutely bloody terrified, but neither of them wanting to admit it in front of the other.  
  
Time passed. The awkward silence became even more awkward. And, eventually, bravado began to fail.   
  
"So.....yeah. I'm not scared. Not scared at all." bluffed Cloud, still staring in horror at the moogle, who was doing it's best to look incredibly threatening, and succeeding surprisingly well.  
  
The awkward silence continued.  
  
"Yep. Totally not scared." Cloud continued. "Totally, totally.....ok, what?" he glanced to his side, and saw absolutely nothing. In the distance, the sound of a slamming door could be heard. "You absolute ponce......er......wait for me...?" Cloud whimpered, following Sephiroth into the hut and locking the door tight behind him.  
  
As Cloud and Sephiroth hid behind the sofa, fearing for both their lives and their remaining shreds of masculinity, Jenova was toiling in the garden, blissfully unaware of the bizarre happenings that were....happening...at the front of the house.  
  
Bending down to tend to her beloved petunias, Jenova raised a tentacle to adjust her, admittedly rather tasteful, straw hat, gurgling contentedly as she surveyed her garden, her pride and joy. The only thing she had left to *be* proud of after her son's spectacular failure to become 'one with the planet'...whatever that meant.  
  
She moved across the garden, squelching happily as she went, pausing by the rhododendron as she became aware of strange noises coming from the other side of the house.  
  
"Burbbbblllleee?!" she exclaimed, looking through the window into the living room suspiciously.  
  
"No........really.....mother, we're fine...Cloud and I are just...playing. No reason to be worried!" Sephiroth's voice rang out across the garden, taking on a distinctly harassed tone.  
  
Jenova paused briefly, wondering exactly what kind of playing would elicit noises of the kind she was hearing right now. She called back to Sephiroth, and then realised that she probably didn't want to know.  
  
"Nothing! Just...normal, every day activities." Sephiroth sounded terrified now, and Jenova became aware of a large crashing noise, followed by several notably feminine screams and a "really, nothing wrong here!" from her son, now sounding ever so slightly strangled.  
  
Giving her best attempt at an exasperated sigh, Jenova slid into the living room, burbling angrily as she saw the state of disarray the room was now in. The state of disarray *and* the giant moogle.  
  
The moogle stared back at the tentacled monstrosity standing before it, apparently unsure whether to make friends, run, or attempt to eat it. It barely had time to consider the options available to it, before it found itself on the floor, bound and gagged, with several hundred gil's worth of furniture crushed beneath it.  
  
Cloud stared in disbelief.   
  
"Mother goes to evening classes" announced Sephiroth, his eyes shining.  
  
"I.........ok." Cloud stuttered, realising that he didn't really want to think about what sort of evening class would attract.....ladies...such as Jenova.  
  
"Burble? Gurgle burbleburble" Questioned Jenova, looking round the room for any signs of her terrified son.  
  
"I'm here mother..." Sephiroth replied uncertainly, standing to talk to Jenova.  
  
"Burble. Gurgle Gurgle Burbgurgle!" she screeched, waving her tentacles about furiously as the captive moogle struggled on the floor, crushing anything of value left in the house.  
  
"I didn't know it'd come back.....I only fed it last week....I...." Sephiroth was at a loss for words, under the piercing gaze of Jenova, now absorbed in tying the moogle to some sort of railing.  
  
"Look....if no one minds, I'll be off now.....k?" whimpered Cloud, bending to pick up his sword.  
  
"Gurgleburbgurgle?"  
  
"No, I don't want to stay for tea, thanks very much....so...er....bye....Mrs....ummm...Bye." He looked around, wondering whether it would be considered impolite to leave through the gaping hole in the wall, and opted to leave via the front door instead.  
  
Cloud paused as he clambered over the edge of the Northern Crater. He'd thought, after all the fuss over Meteor, the ancients, the promised land, and the near destruction of the planet, that things couldn't possibly get stranger.  
  
"Evidently, I thought wrong..." He pondered to himself, as he waited for the Highwind to make it's descent. "And just what the hell *is* normal now, anyway...?" 


End file.
